The recent news released today exposing the use of steroids in our most respected sport, Professional Wrestling, was like a well choreographed punch in my gut. It was like a properly timed and executed suplex to my heart. I was both shocked and appalled, and had to set down my Coors Light and lay down on my bean-bag to absorb this information.
Steroids in Professional Wrestling? How could they do this? Baseball, football, I understand. But WRESTLING? They've totally cheapened the integrity of the sport. A sport (the only REAL sport in my mind) that prides itself on honesty, has been dealt a low blow the ref just happened to miss, like steroids.
I was initially shocked at the fact that any one of these gracefully lubricated men had done any sort physique enhancing drug. When I look at these soldiers of the ring, I don't even see athletes, I see replicas of God himself. These perfect Adonnises performing feats above and beyond any man. I couldn't believe that a single one of them, not Stone Cold Steve Austin, not The Rock, not The Undertaker, or anyone of these perfectly named Titans could even belittle themselves enough to partake in something that petty "athletes" do. This sport (and I only call it a sport for lack of a better word. Supersport or possibly Sport of the Gods would pay this past time the respect it deserves) was, in my eyes, the last beacon of chastity in today's world.
I don't even know what to think next time I watch a closeline-rope bounce-double kick combo move. Is this man being assisted by drugs? And what if the body slam record is broken? Should it count? Should there be an asterisk?
I like to think that in a sport as real and unbiased as this one that the man who holds the oversized gold belt above his head after winning a match using a folding chair against his opponent will do this with pride knowing that he did it on his own, without the shame of steroids on his conscience.
-CalexicoD
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Scattered Lies With a Chance of Propoganda...
I'm pretty pissed off right now.
I've spent all day watching Fox Weather and it's TOTALLY biased towards the right wing. I mean, it's SOOO obvious. They say things like "In Los Angeles, it's gonna be about 85 degrees with 10% humidity, horrible day to be a Republican. But in Georgia, it's about 95 degrees and 300% humidity. Great Republican weather!" That's bullshit man. You guys are supposed to report the weather, not give me "the other side" of the weather. "Well everything looks great in Baghdad today! That ain't cool brutha. Billions of people are dying there by the minute. Tim Robbins said so bro.
They don't even MENTION global warming and that's responsible for like 98% of all Sea Otter deaths!
It's pretty depressing too. They rename the hurricanes like "Not since Hurricane John F. Kennedy has New Orleans been touted with this much rain. Those democrat hurricanes, always hurting the people they think they're trying to help." They don't even call storms "storms" they call them Clintons. "Heavy flooding in Iowa thanks to a stong Clinton that came through dumping 36" of rain in 24 hours. It also dumped false promises and an insurmountable amount of double talk.
Come on Fox Weather! Does EVERY state on your map have to have a different picture of Reagan on it? It's bullshit man. They're not even trying to hide it.
And their death tolls are pretty rude too. "25 people have died from this flood, and unfortunately 7 of them were Republican. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the families of these 7 republicans."
Sometimes they don't even report weather. They say things like "sin will rain today on every abortion clinic in Seattle. Also, be careful of a massive front of Sinfulness in San Francisco, West Hollywood and whatever part of New York the fags live in."
I can't believe they call this weather reporting. Thank God I have The Weather Channel, CNN, Local News, The Newspaper, Internet Newssites, Misinformed Friends, and Michael Moore's Weather Service or I'd never know "the truth".
-CalexicoD
I've spent all day watching Fox Weather and it's TOTALLY biased towards the right wing. I mean, it's SOOO obvious. They say things like "In Los Angeles, it's gonna be about 85 degrees with 10% humidity, horrible day to be a Republican. But in Georgia, it's about 95 degrees and 300% humidity. Great Republican weather!" That's bullshit man. You guys are supposed to report the weather, not give me "the other side" of the weather. "Well everything looks great in Baghdad today! That ain't cool brutha. Billions of people are dying there by the minute. Tim Robbins said so bro.
They don't even MENTION global warming and that's responsible for like 98% of all Sea Otter deaths!
It's pretty depressing too. They rename the hurricanes like "Not since Hurricane John F. Kennedy has New Orleans been touted with this much rain. Those democrat hurricanes, always hurting the people they think they're trying to help." They don't even call storms "storms" they call them Clintons. "Heavy flooding in Iowa thanks to a stong Clinton that came through dumping 36" of rain in 24 hours. It also dumped false promises and an insurmountable amount of double talk.
Come on Fox Weather! Does EVERY state on your map have to have a different picture of Reagan on it? It's bullshit man. They're not even trying to hide it.
And their death tolls are pretty rude too. "25 people have died from this flood, and unfortunately 7 of them were Republican. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the families of these 7 republicans."
Sometimes they don't even report weather. They say things like "sin will rain today on every abortion clinic in Seattle. Also, be careful of a massive front of Sinfulness in San Francisco, West Hollywood and whatever part of New York the fags live in."
I can't believe they call this weather reporting. Thank God I have The Weather Channel, CNN, Local News, The Newspaper, Internet Newssites, Misinformed Friends, and Michael Moore's Weather Service or I'd never know "the truth".
-CalexicoD
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
A Couple of Thoughts With Some Facts About Vegas...
I hate capitalism but I don't know anything about socialism or communism because I refuse to buy a book about them. That's how devoted I am to hating capitalism.
Last night I didn't drink for the first time in weeks (possibly months) and it wasn't because of any health concerns or because I've hit bottom it's because I'm out of money. And by out of money I mean Visa stopped giving it to me.
I'm about $6000 in debt with no way to pay it and really nothing on the horizon. I'm either at the exact point in my career where someday I'll either be telling an interviewer "I thought all was lost but I pushed ahead because I wouldn't let myself down" OR someday I'll be telling my kid "Stay in school. Did I ever tell you I used to be a comedian..?" It can go either way.
I just got back from Las Vegas. Here are some things I learned in my Frommer's travel guide:
- Las Vegas is home to the largest number of retired tight rope walkers in the contiguous US. Second only to Fairbanks, AL. If you get tired of all the glitz and glamour, stop into any tourist information center and pick up a map of all their homes. It makes for a much more well rounded Vegas experience.
- Las Vegas is the largest importer of both sugar cane and grape seed oil west of the Mississippi. The casino chip makers use these ingredients to form the glistening coat on the chips. If you ever get hungry but can't pull yourself away from the table, you can just suck on your chips for a sugary boost, and the nutrients of the grape seed oil.
- Henderson, NV - a suburb of Las Vegas - has more dust per square inch than the Sahara and Death Valley combined.
- The Hudson dam - just a few hours by car, or 1 day by mule - produces all the electricity in the world.
- The Blue Man group in Las Vegas, NV eat a diet consisting of hard boiled eggs, arugula, and a crushed boysenberry/clorox combo to maintain their blue hue. They also perform nightly at the Luxor and at an AM/PM just off the strip. The AM/PM show is an improvised version of their stage show using items found in the convenience store.
- Las Vegas is a great source of Chlamydia. Twice as much as an orange.
- Underneath the strip is a 2/3's scale, EXACT working replica, of the original Disneyland. Complete with E tickets and segregation policies.
- Need something to do? Try kitten tumbling. Ask your concierge, or any person handing out escort flyers, for details.
- Don't want to stand out in Vegas? Keep in mind that shorts are for tourists. As well as tank tops and lack of jackets and beanie caps. Blend in for cheaper prices!
- The best place to see your favorite celebrities in Las Vegas is on your television! Similar to Los Angeles.
- The streets in America are paved with gold, but in Las Vegas they're paved with tar and asphalt. Much more cost effective. They use the savings to lower the prices on the steak and eggs.
- Your gambling dollars are put to work building schools, roads, parks and libraries in Las Vegas. Same goes to your prostitution money. So if you care about education, you'll use a proper escort, instead of that tranny you've been eyeing all night. Yup. That's a man. Sorry to burst your bubble.
- A mustache in Vegas is just as good as a wallet full of cash.
- Every person working in Vegas is a magician. Go ahead and test it. You can lay a stack of money on the table and any dealer can make it disappear!
- Vegas smells just like coconuts because of the world's largest Coconut Air Freshener Factory located inside room 1218 at the Flamingo.
- Paris Hilton owns Vegas.
- So does Wayne Newton, but he's a silent partner.
- Vegas has the lowest crime rate in the world due to their negligent police force.
- There are bands that play lounges in Vegas that think they've "made it". Don't correct them or they'll attack you. And don't feed them or they'll talk about their careers.
So many fun facts about Las Vegas!
-CalexicoD
Last night I didn't drink for the first time in weeks (possibly months) and it wasn't because of any health concerns or because I've hit bottom it's because I'm out of money. And by out of money I mean Visa stopped giving it to me.
I'm about $6000 in debt with no way to pay it and really nothing on the horizon. I'm either at the exact point in my career where someday I'll either be telling an interviewer "I thought all was lost but I pushed ahead because I wouldn't let myself down" OR someday I'll be telling my kid "Stay in school. Did I ever tell you I used to be a comedian..?" It can go either way.
I just got back from Las Vegas. Here are some things I learned in my Frommer's travel guide:
- Las Vegas is home to the largest number of retired tight rope walkers in the contiguous US. Second only to Fairbanks, AL. If you get tired of all the glitz and glamour, stop into any tourist information center and pick up a map of all their homes. It makes for a much more well rounded Vegas experience.
- Las Vegas is the largest importer of both sugar cane and grape seed oil west of the Mississippi. The casino chip makers use these ingredients to form the glistening coat on the chips. If you ever get hungry but can't pull yourself away from the table, you can just suck on your chips for a sugary boost, and the nutrients of the grape seed oil.
- Henderson, NV - a suburb of Las Vegas - has more dust per square inch than the Sahara and Death Valley combined.
- The Hudson dam - just a few hours by car, or 1 day by mule - produces all the electricity in the world.
- The Blue Man group in Las Vegas, NV eat a diet consisting of hard boiled eggs, arugula, and a crushed boysenberry/clorox combo to maintain their blue hue. They also perform nightly at the Luxor and at an AM/PM just off the strip. The AM/PM show is an improvised version of their stage show using items found in the convenience store.
- Las Vegas is a great source of Chlamydia. Twice as much as an orange.
- Underneath the strip is a 2/3's scale, EXACT working replica, of the original Disneyland. Complete with E tickets and segregation policies.
- Need something to do? Try kitten tumbling. Ask your concierge, or any person handing out escort flyers, for details.
- Don't want to stand out in Vegas? Keep in mind that shorts are for tourists. As well as tank tops and lack of jackets and beanie caps. Blend in for cheaper prices!
- The best place to see your favorite celebrities in Las Vegas is on your television! Similar to Los Angeles.
- The streets in America are paved with gold, but in Las Vegas they're paved with tar and asphalt. Much more cost effective. They use the savings to lower the prices on the steak and eggs.
- Your gambling dollars are put to work building schools, roads, parks and libraries in Las Vegas. Same goes to your prostitution money. So if you care about education, you'll use a proper escort, instead of that tranny you've been eyeing all night. Yup. That's a man. Sorry to burst your bubble.
- A mustache in Vegas is just as good as a wallet full of cash.
- Every person working in Vegas is a magician. Go ahead and test it. You can lay a stack of money on the table and any dealer can make it disappear!
- Vegas smells just like coconuts because of the world's largest Coconut Air Freshener Factory located inside room 1218 at the Flamingo.
- Paris Hilton owns Vegas.
- So does Wayne Newton, but he's a silent partner.
- Vegas has the lowest crime rate in the world due to their negligent police force.
- There are bands that play lounges in Vegas that think they've "made it". Don't correct them or they'll attack you. And don't feed them or they'll talk about their careers.
So many fun facts about Las Vegas!
-CalexicoD
Friday, August 24, 2007
Thanks for wasting my time Music Television...
MTV just called me and hung up. No message, nothing. REAL FUCKING MATURE MTV!!! What the hell??? You guys starting up a new show called "Hang Ups" or some shit?
"We got 2 hot guys and 2 hot girls and they see how many people they can hang up on in 30min while we watch from a van! It's called Hang Ups and our contestants don't have any hang ups about hanging up!"
Actually, that show sounds better than most of their programming. Maybe I'll pitch it to them.
Think of it like the Jerky Boys meets Punk'd, but there's no script! We're going for the 13-14 year old lonely boy demographic. The ones that still crank call because they haven't discovered masturbation yet.
-CalexicoD
"We got 2 hot guys and 2 hot girls and they see how many people they can hang up on in 30min while we watch from a van! It's called Hang Ups and our contestants don't have any hang ups about hanging up!"
Actually, that show sounds better than most of their programming. Maybe I'll pitch it to them.
Think of it like the Jerky Boys meets Punk'd, but there's no script! We're going for the 13-14 year old lonely boy demographic. The ones that still crank call because they haven't discovered masturbation yet.
-CalexicoD
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Once upon a time...
Once upon a time, in a land full of mysticism and wonderment, where the elves traded cotton candy and jelly beans for laughter, where the dragons sang songs of glee, and every girl was a princess, there lived a Street Sweeper (yup, that's right. Even in this song-and-candy-filled utopia, somebody needs to take out the trash. Think of Burning Man - Day 8).
He worked hard as a street sweeper. Sweeping all the cobblestone paths made of jelly beans and juju-bees (which is a huge pain in the ass the day after a good rain. It's all sticky and filled with those paper Cotton Candy cones. "But why would it rain in this paradise?" you ask. If it didn't rain, where would all the rainbows come from? Come on people, light refraction works in Lands of Wonderment too. Get with it.). Every day he did his best to keep the streets clean, dreaming one day of being the greatest street sweeper in the world!
But hard times fell on our street sweeper. See, he wasn't the only street sweeper in town. In fact, he lived in the Western part of Imagination Island that had more street sweepers than any other part of the Island, except for a part on the completely opposite side. So no matter how diligantly he swept, no matter how much care and effort the street sweeper put into his work, some other street sweeper that was better looking, or maybe had a street sweep commerical, or a wacky broom, or played a Mandolin while he swept or SOMETHING, would get most of the street sweeping work.
And yet he pressed on.
He was constantly told tales of fortune by the local elves and princesses (not so much the dragons though, they're mostly into Prop street sweeping. Different crowd) that one day he'd be sweeping the biggest most goldenest streets in the world! People would line up to watch him sweep away! The princesses would bow to him for his street sweeping capabilities, even a few of the Dragons (you can't really stereotype ALL dragons as being Prop fans. Some of them have taste) would sing his praises in song. Elves would shower him with cotton candy and laughter. Younger street sweepers would mimic his street sweeping grace.
But these were just tales. None of the Street Sweeping Supervisors seemed to care that the townsfolk applauded his skills. And cotton candy doesn't pay the bills. So the street sweeper decided to hang up his broom. "Fuck it", he declared. And now our street sweeper is in the process of begrudgingly filling out Substitute Teacher applications in order to pay that bitch of a princess her rent. He discovered Mead made from the honey of stingerless bees and drinks himself to sleep every night. It's better than the tears.
Every once in a while he'll look up at his broom, hanging on the wall and wonder "Did I give up too soon?" No kid. You never had a chance.
-CalexicoD
He worked hard as a street sweeper. Sweeping all the cobblestone paths made of jelly beans and juju-bees (which is a huge pain in the ass the day after a good rain. It's all sticky and filled with those paper Cotton Candy cones. "But why would it rain in this paradise?" you ask. If it didn't rain, where would all the rainbows come from? Come on people, light refraction works in Lands of Wonderment too. Get with it.). Every day he did his best to keep the streets clean, dreaming one day of being the greatest street sweeper in the world!
But hard times fell on our street sweeper. See, he wasn't the only street sweeper in town. In fact, he lived in the Western part of Imagination Island that had more street sweepers than any other part of the Island, except for a part on the completely opposite side. So no matter how diligantly he swept, no matter how much care and effort the street sweeper put into his work, some other street sweeper that was better looking, or maybe had a street sweep commerical, or a wacky broom, or played a Mandolin while he swept or SOMETHING, would get most of the street sweeping work.
And yet he pressed on.
He was constantly told tales of fortune by the local elves and princesses (not so much the dragons though, they're mostly into Prop street sweeping. Different crowd) that one day he'd be sweeping the biggest most goldenest streets in the world! People would line up to watch him sweep away! The princesses would bow to him for his street sweeping capabilities, even a few of the Dragons (you can't really stereotype ALL dragons as being Prop fans. Some of them have taste) would sing his praises in song. Elves would shower him with cotton candy and laughter. Younger street sweepers would mimic his street sweeping grace.
But these were just tales. None of the Street Sweeping Supervisors seemed to care that the townsfolk applauded his skills. And cotton candy doesn't pay the bills. So the street sweeper decided to hang up his broom. "Fuck it", he declared. And now our street sweeper is in the process of begrudgingly filling out Substitute Teacher applications in order to pay that bitch of a princess her rent. He discovered Mead made from the honey of stingerless bees and drinks himself to sleep every night. It's better than the tears.
Every once in a while he'll look up at his broom, hanging on the wall and wonder "Did I give up too soon?" No kid. You never had a chance.
-CalexicoD
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Finally, some positive notes about mustaches...
Every time a can of Coors pops open, an angel gets his mustache.
Mustaches are a great way to say "I'm at the party, and I brought some date rape drugs!"
If I had a mustache, I think I'd name it Dissappointment. After General Custer.
Sick of mustaches? Try a goatee! It's a great way to stand out at the Klan rally.
A goatee is like a mustache for your chin. It's like your saying "Hey, there's no reason why my chin can't be classless too"
A mustache is just a unibrow for your nose.
Think of it like this, if you didn't have a mustache, what would you stroke after you just punched your wife? Armpit hair? Too likely to tickle.
A mustache is a nice suprise in the truck stop glory hole. Tee hee! You have a naughty secret mustoiched glory boy!
Growing a mustache is the facial equivalent of painting your walls with dog shit!
A mustache is a great way to hide cold sores! Take the note glory boy!
I always heard that chicks dug mustaches but I never believed it. Turns out I was right!
Hey mustache man! Thanks for the beer! I didn't know you could Natural Light with food stamps!
What's the difference between a mustache and a MAN with a mustache? A mustache would never rape his own daughter!
A mustache is a sign of strength. But it's just a sign, the mustache man doesn't even have enough strength to finish shaving.
Ooops! What happened Mustache Man? Did your gold medallion get stuck in your chest hair or did you eat so many pork rinds that your tummy's rubbing on your oversized belt buckle?
Einstein had a mustache, but then again, so did Hitler!
There's so much to be said about mustaches, but so little reason to say any of it.
-CalexicoD
Mustaches are a great way to say "I'm at the party, and I brought some date rape drugs!"
If I had a mustache, I think I'd name it Dissappointment. After General Custer.
Sick of mustaches? Try a goatee! It's a great way to stand out at the Klan rally.
A goatee is like a mustache for your chin. It's like your saying "Hey, there's no reason why my chin can't be classless too"
A mustache is just a unibrow for your nose.
Think of it like this, if you didn't have a mustache, what would you stroke after you just punched your wife? Armpit hair? Too likely to tickle.
A mustache is a nice suprise in the truck stop glory hole. Tee hee! You have a naughty secret mustoiched glory boy!
Growing a mustache is the facial equivalent of painting your walls with dog shit!
A mustache is a great way to hide cold sores! Take the note glory boy!
I always heard that chicks dug mustaches but I never believed it. Turns out I was right!
Hey mustache man! Thanks for the beer! I didn't know you could Natural Light with food stamps!
What's the difference between a mustache and a MAN with a mustache? A mustache would never rape his own daughter!
A mustache is a sign of strength. But it's just a sign, the mustache man doesn't even have enough strength to finish shaving.
Ooops! What happened Mustache Man? Did your gold medallion get stuck in your chest hair or did you eat so many pork rinds that your tummy's rubbing on your oversized belt buckle?
Einstein had a mustache, but then again, so did Hitler!
There's so much to be said about mustaches, but so little reason to say any of it.
-CalexicoD
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Peace, Love and Redemption Values...
Today I drove my Prius to the recycling center. I had to step back and take a look at myself. I didn't know it before, but I guess I'm a douchebag. I'm kind of afraid of the fallout these "Green" activities will produce.
- I guess now I'll have to take part in some sort of women's rights protests.
- I'll have to perpetually blame Bush's position in office on "stolen elections"
- Al Gore will move from my List of the Despised onto my National Treasure and Personal Heroes list. Consequently "An Incovenient Truth" will change from a laffable propoganda film into a brilliant scientific study.
- Trees around me will start recieving their fair share of hugs
- I'll wear hemp
- I'll constantly talk about global warming, an issue I don't personally understand, but that doesn't matter because I have an amazing ability to misconstrue facts and repeat my misinterpretations as truth
- The dreds are growing in
- Showers are falling down the priority chain.
- I'm going to start paying twice as much for "Organic" stickers on my fruit.
- Right after this blog, I'm gonna look into canvas tote bags I can take to the grocery store
- I'll start buying into conspiracy theories
- I'll vote for things that will increase my taxes with the intention of helping people I've never met and nothing will change but what I owe
- I'll assume money grows on trees but then protest against the people who use trees to make money
- I'm going to start sympathizing with terrorists
- I'm getting a Michael Moore in 2012 bumper sticker
- I'll say things like "Save Darfur!" when I can't even find Darfur on a map
-Yoga and granola will both be daily requirements. Also, for the granola, I'll insist that it's a "natural" food, even though it's man made.
All in all, I guess I'm gonna be pretty stupid. I just recycled for the money and took the Prius to save money. I had to litter some styrofoam and burn a tire just to keep myself balanced.
Some news jokes:
Karl Rove announced his resignation this week. Yes that's right, the mastermind behind "Stay the Course" has decided to "Cut and Run"
Tacoma WA - A man was accused of trying to have sex with his goat. He argued that he was only trying to milk the goat. Ummm... I'm pretty sure we call that a reach around.
In the middle of an obvious mid-life crisis, former Van Halen front-man, David Lee Roth, has decided to rejoin his band mates in a pathetic attempt to come off as anything but a joke.
o Being the responsible 50 somethings the rockers are today, the drugs and booze they once had backstage have been replaced with Rogaine and Dulcolax.
o Although teacher is still hot, it’s a different kind of heat these days. Hot Flashes
The world’s oldest woman, Yone Minagawa, died this week at 114 years old.
o At time of death she went from the world’s oldest living woman, to the world’s NEWEST dead woman. Oh Yone, always setting records! (pic above is not Yone, but she is my woman on the side. BooYah!)
Steve McQueen's restored Ferrari is expected to fetch upwards of $1 million. When I get famous, my restored Prius is expected to fetch upwards of $1 thousand.
This is NOT a joke -
Those lost miners are not coming home. Until you have something other than "Nothing's Changed" to report, give me better news stories. Hold off on the mine and let me know why that bridge collapsed. I do a lot more driving than mining, as I'm sure MOST people do, so let's try to wrap up the Bridge Story instead of spinning our wheels on the mine thing.
-CalexicoD
- I guess now I'll have to take part in some sort of women's rights protests.
- I'll have to perpetually blame Bush's position in office on "stolen elections"
- Al Gore will move from my List of the Despised onto my National Treasure and Personal Heroes list. Consequently "An Incovenient Truth" will change from a laffable propoganda film into a brilliant scientific study.
- Trees around me will start recieving their fair share of hugs
- I'll wear hemp
- I'll constantly talk about global warming, an issue I don't personally understand, but that doesn't matter because I have an amazing ability to misconstrue facts and repeat my misinterpretations as truth
- The dreds are growing in
- Showers are falling down the priority chain.
- I'm going to start paying twice as much for "Organic" stickers on my fruit.
- Right after this blog, I'm gonna look into canvas tote bags I can take to the grocery store
- I'll start buying into conspiracy theories
- I'll vote for things that will increase my taxes with the intention of helping people I've never met and nothing will change but what I owe
- I'll assume money grows on trees but then protest against the people who use trees to make money
- I'm going to start sympathizing with terrorists
- I'm getting a Michael Moore in 2012 bumper sticker
- I'll say things like "Save Darfur!" when I can't even find Darfur on a map
-Yoga and granola will both be daily requirements. Also, for the granola, I'll insist that it's a "natural" food, even though it's man made.
All in all, I guess I'm gonna be pretty stupid. I just recycled for the money and took the Prius to save money. I had to litter some styrofoam and burn a tire just to keep myself balanced.
Some news jokes:
Karl Rove announced his resignation this week. Yes that's right, the mastermind behind "Stay the Course" has decided to "Cut and Run"
Tacoma WA - A man was accused of trying to have sex with his goat. He argued that he was only trying to milk the goat. Ummm... I'm pretty sure we call that a reach around.
In the middle of an obvious mid-life crisis, former Van Halen front-man, David Lee Roth, has decided to rejoin his band mates in a pathetic attempt to come off as anything but a joke.
o Being the responsible 50 somethings the rockers are today, the drugs and booze they once had backstage have been replaced with Rogaine and Dulcolax.
o Although teacher is still hot, it’s a different kind of heat these days. Hot Flashes
The world’s oldest woman, Yone Minagawa, died this week at 114 years old.
o At time of death she went from the world’s oldest living woman, to the world’s NEWEST dead woman. Oh Yone, always setting records! (pic above is not Yone, but she is my woman on the side. BooYah!)
Steve McQueen's restored Ferrari is expected to fetch upwards of $1 million. When I get famous, my restored Prius is expected to fetch upwards of $1 thousand.
This is NOT a joke -
Those lost miners are not coming home. Until you have something other than "Nothing's Changed" to report, give me better news stories. Hold off on the mine and let me know why that bridge collapsed. I do a lot more driving than mining, as I'm sure MOST people do, so let's try to wrap up the Bridge Story instead of spinning our wheels on the mine thing.
-CalexicoD
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
But I don't WANT to read...
That soon to be classic debate "Read vs. Watch the News" still rages on today. With the ever increasing capabilities and frustrations of the internet, news outlets have tapped into the medium to bring us both written and broadcast versions of the news. This video bastardization of our information has even tainted America's BEST source for news - The Onion.
I was parusing the Space, looking for really awesome pimped out pages and trying to meet OTHER people that like Plain White T's, when I stumbled across The Onion's MySpace page. It's full of VIDEOS!
I thought they were the news source I could trust! But NOOOO. They've lowered themselves to the level of CNN or FOX NEWS, limiting their humor to the constraints of video wedged tightly between the growing number of advertisements. The negative effects are overwhelming.
I found myself expelling 15% less laughs per story. Even my rate of chuckling significantly decreased. My joke retention dropped an AMAZING 50%. The social poignancy was there but if I missed a joke, I had to wait for the next one. I couldn't just stop and reread. Or if I ENJOYED a joke, I couldn't laugh out loud for too long for fear of missing the next moment of brilliance. I missed more than half of the scrolling ticker across the bottom of the page and for anyone who appreciates The Onion from a journalistic stand point, they know that the best parts of their reporting are the subtleties scattered about the page. THAT'S WHAT I MISSED!! I had to watch it twice to read the ticker. That's 50% LESS productivity. The whole experience was nerve wracking.
I stand proudly by reading the paper. It used to be that I'd have to wait until Thurs when the new issue came out to read everything it had to offer. I'd laugh. I'd chortle. I'd grimace or I'd disapprove. But each week I'd be content. NOW with the internet, the page updates every day. They don't update the entire page though! Just add a story or two. If I don't like that day's addition, I walk away UNcontent. That's not the Onion experience I've grown to love. That's the experience I've grown to accept. Much like my slow, cancerous death.
And this most recent addition to the site, VIDEO??? This has made it much, much worse. It attracts the slow minded simpletons that can't muscle their way through 10minutes of brilliantly scripted hilarity. They need their jokes quick, no matter HOW much potential is wasted or how hilarity doesn't make the final cut. It makes me sick.
"But why can't you just read around the video? Just accept that maybe some change is positive?"
Just read around something that will probably make me laugh at least once? Right. You might as well invite a drunken homeless man over and tell him not to touch the beer in the fridge while you fetch the de-lousing powder before he sits on your couch. Tell the fat man that one plate of food is enough at the buffet, even if it says All You Can Eat. Yeah. I hate that the temptation is there, and I hate myself for acting on it.
I understand that there are things in life that I have to accept. I know that someday I will be rich. I just have to accept it. I know that my wife will not have a 3 some with me involved, but probably will if we ever split up just to spite me. Fine. I accept those things as facts of life. But what I will not sit idly by, ACCEPTING, is the dilution of my comedy news source. I post this blog as an afront to the Director of Internet Content (or whoever runs the MySpace) over at the onion and warn him to heed the threatening tone.
I am not okay with this. If I'm gonna be subject to this blatant disrespect, I'm gonna have to find MY satire in the New Yorker. Although their pretentious articles and iconoclastic attitude are in now way, shape, or form as brilliantly crafted as those pretentious articles at the Onion, they are pure. Written word. Slightly gay.
So if you want your wit spoonfed in a simple video so you can get back to looking up the latest Lohan fiasco, go watch the Onion videos. If you appreciate humor that diligantly crafted like a fine wine, then read the Onion. But if you don't like humor at all, go eat an onion. You're very weird.
Good day.
-CalexicoD
I was parusing the Space, looking for really awesome pimped out pages and trying to meet OTHER people that like Plain White T's, when I stumbled across The Onion's MySpace page. It's full of VIDEOS!
I thought they were the news source I could trust! But NOOOO. They've lowered themselves to the level of CNN or FOX NEWS, limiting their humor to the constraints of video wedged tightly between the growing number of advertisements. The negative effects are overwhelming.
I found myself expelling 15% less laughs per story. Even my rate of chuckling significantly decreased. My joke retention dropped an AMAZING 50%. The social poignancy was there but if I missed a joke, I had to wait for the next one. I couldn't just stop and reread. Or if I ENJOYED a joke, I couldn't laugh out loud for too long for fear of missing the next moment of brilliance. I missed more than half of the scrolling ticker across the bottom of the page and for anyone who appreciates The Onion from a journalistic stand point, they know that the best parts of their reporting are the subtleties scattered about the page. THAT'S WHAT I MISSED!! I had to watch it twice to read the ticker. That's 50% LESS productivity. The whole experience was nerve wracking.
I stand proudly by reading the paper. It used to be that I'd have to wait until Thurs when the new issue came out to read everything it had to offer. I'd laugh. I'd chortle. I'd grimace or I'd disapprove. But each week I'd be content. NOW with the internet, the page updates every day. They don't update the entire page though! Just add a story or two. If I don't like that day's addition, I walk away UNcontent. That's not the Onion experience I've grown to love. That's the experience I've grown to accept. Much like my slow, cancerous death.
And this most recent addition to the site, VIDEO??? This has made it much, much worse. It attracts the slow minded simpletons that can't muscle their way through 10minutes of brilliantly scripted hilarity. They need their jokes quick, no matter HOW much potential is wasted or how hilarity doesn't make the final cut. It makes me sick.
"But why can't you just read around the video? Just accept that maybe some change is positive?"
Just read around something that will probably make me laugh at least once? Right. You might as well invite a drunken homeless man over and tell him not to touch the beer in the fridge while you fetch the de-lousing powder before he sits on your couch. Tell the fat man that one plate of food is enough at the buffet, even if it says All You Can Eat. Yeah. I hate that the temptation is there, and I hate myself for acting on it.
I understand that there are things in life that I have to accept. I know that someday I will be rich. I just have to accept it. I know that my wife will not have a 3 some with me involved, but probably will if we ever split up just to spite me. Fine. I accept those things as facts of life. But what I will not sit idly by, ACCEPTING, is the dilution of my comedy news source. I post this blog as an afront to the Director of Internet Content (or whoever runs the MySpace) over at the onion and warn him to heed the threatening tone.
I am not okay with this. If I'm gonna be subject to this blatant disrespect, I'm gonna have to find MY satire in the New Yorker. Although their pretentious articles and iconoclastic attitude are in now way, shape, or form as brilliantly crafted as those pretentious articles at the Onion, they are pure. Written word. Slightly gay.
So if you want your wit spoonfed in a simple video so you can get back to looking up the latest Lohan fiasco, go watch the Onion videos. If you appreciate humor that diligantly crafted like a fine wine, then read the Onion. But if you don't like humor at all, go eat an onion. You're very weird.
Good day.
-CalexicoD
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