But I don't WANT to read...

That soon to be classic debate "Read vs. Watch the News" still rages on today. With the ever increasing capabilities and frustrations of the internet, news outlets have tapped into the medium to bring us both written and broadcast versions of the news. This video bastardization of our information has even tainted America's BEST source for news - The Onion.

I was parusing the Space, looking for really awesome pimped out pages and trying to meet OTHER people that like Plain White T's, when I stumbled across The Onion's MySpace page. It's full of VIDEOS!

I thought they were the news source I could trust! But NOOOO. They've lowered themselves to the level of CNN or FOX NEWS, limiting their humor to the constraints of video wedged tightly between the growing number of advertisements. The negative effects are overwhelming.

I found myself expelling 15% less laughs per story. Even my rate of chuckling significantly decreased. My joke retention dropped an AMAZING 50%. The social poignancy was there but if I missed a joke, I had to wait for the next one. I couldn't just stop and reread. Or if I ENJOYED a joke, I couldn't laugh out loud for too long for fear of missing the next moment of brilliance. I missed more than half of the scrolling ticker across the bottom of the page and for anyone who appreciates The Onion from a journalistic stand point, they know that the best parts of their reporting are the subtleties scattered about the page. THAT'S WHAT I MISSED!! I had to watch it twice to read the ticker. That's 50% LESS productivity. The whole experience was nerve wracking.

I stand proudly by reading the paper. It used to be that I'd have to wait until Thurs when the new issue came out to read everything it had to offer. I'd laugh. I'd chortle. I'd grimace or I'd disapprove. But each week I'd be content. NOW with the internet, the page updates every day. They don't update the entire page though! Just add a story or two. If I don't like that day's addition, I walk away UNcontent. That's not the Onion experience I've grown to love. That's the experience I've grown to accept. Much like my slow, cancerous death.

And this most recent addition to the site, VIDEO??? This has made it much, much worse. It attracts the slow minded simpletons that can't muscle their way through 10minutes of brilliantly scripted hilarity. They need their jokes quick, no matter HOW much potential is wasted or how hilarity doesn't make the final cut. It makes me sick.

"But why can't you just read around the video? Just accept that maybe some change is positive?"

Just read around something that will probably make me laugh at least once? Right. You might as well invite a drunken homeless man over and tell him not to touch the beer in the fridge while you fetch the de-lousing powder before he sits on your couch. Tell the fat man that one plate of food is enough at the buffet, even if it says All You Can Eat. Yeah. I hate that the temptation is there, and I hate myself for acting on it.

I understand that there are things in life that I have to accept. I know that someday I will be rich. I just have to accept it. I know that my wife will not have a 3 some with me involved, but probably will if we ever split up just to spite me. Fine. I accept those things as facts of life. But what I will not sit idly by, ACCEPTING, is the dilution of my comedy news source. I post this blog as an afront to the Director of Internet Content (or whoever runs the MySpace) over at the onion and warn him to heed the threatening tone.

I am not okay with this. If I'm gonna be subject to this blatant disrespect, I'm gonna have to find MY satire in the New Yorker. Although their pretentious articles and iconoclastic attitude are in now way, shape, or form as brilliantly crafted as those pretentious articles at the Onion, they are pure. Written word. Slightly gay.

So if you want your wit spoonfed in a simple video so you can get back to looking up the latest Lohan fiasco, go watch the Onion videos. If you appreciate humor that diligantly crafted like a fine wine, then read the Onion. But if you don't like humor at all, go eat an onion. You're very weird.

Good day.

-CalexicoD