Round 2: Cinema...

For those of you that don't know, I'm doing a blog-off, blog-a-thon, blog battle, blog-what-have-you with my anonymous friend. I call him Bono. We feed each other topics. Check out the action on my page, and also here to keep up.

Adam and Bono's blog battle...

Round 2...

"Review the movie Snow Dogs without ever having watched it" - Bono

When I hear the word "movie", I want to be moved. And when I heard that Cuba Gooding Jr. was doing a film - dare I say masterpiece - about the Iditarod with talking dogs, I most definitely, was moved. And I'm glad to say, that I was not let down.

The movie, a wonderful jaunt through the Alaskan tundra with nothing but a sled and team of talking dogs, is more than just fun. It carries with it a seldom discussed social relevance. A message of acceptance. If sled dogs can find friendship in their African American sled runner, then shouldn't the rest of Alaska follow suit? The message is plain as day but not "forced" (like the social commentaries in movies such as "8 Legged Freaks" and "Troll 2") which makes it a seamless addition to an already perfect movie!

You'll find yourself on the edge of your seat during the scene where the dogs are too stubborn to get up and "mush!", SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! They do! And Cuba learns a lesson in the process. But you'll have to watch the movie to find out what!

It's also great that Cuba decided just to use his real name and not some gimmicky character name in the movie - like Captain Mush-a-Lot or Whipping Pete or something. He's an actor, not a clown. And that really shows through in Snow Dogs!

In the end when the dogs all learn to dance, I have to admit, that even though I saw it coming from the first act, I was still impressed with the aesthetic choice of the scene. And their honest portrayal of the gay dog. Not too "over the top" and really, VERY classy. It was quite reminiscent of a Truman DOG-Pote! A tasteful way to include the homosexual Siberian Husky community in the film and to present these dogs as artists, not kibble-crazed sexual deviants. Two paws up!

Also, there's a romance in the air between the tough dog that didn't think he could ever love and the female dog that doesn't like his macho attitude. She really softens him up by the end and there's a litter on the way. Do I smell sequel?! :)

This movie had everything, from blood curdling screams, to the dogs talking to each other, to Cuba getting upset and slipping in the snow. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or rub one out. It had me on the edge of my seat, rolling with laughter, crying my heart out and kneading my ball sack all at the same time.

So if you're into movies that have talking dogs, and CDJ, and dogs that talk to CDJ, and CDJ talking to dogs and also Snow, you gotta check out Snow Dogs! So throw on a pair of Hanes underwear, grab your favorite gal pal and head on down to the local cineplex to see Snow Dogs! It's a barking good time! You'll have so much fun you'll want to sniff your OWN bitch's butt!

Snow Dogs = 2 paws up!

-CalexicoD

Alright Bono, your mission, should you choose to accept it...

I want you to write a piece explaining why your favorite game show Double Dare should come back on the air, including a short biography on your hero Mark Summers.

Church has its finger in State's butt...

Free Senator Larry Craig!

It's taken me quite a while to address this issue, NOT because I haven't been paying attention but because everytime I read a story about it I keep saying to myself, "Okay, THIS story's gonna tell me what the actual CRIME was."

I have yet to hear what this man did that was illegal. He didn't proposition a minor, he didn't offer money in exchange for a mustachioed blow job, he didn't get methed out and order a male prostitute to his hotel room. All he did was a little inter-stall tap dance with an undercover cop hoping to find another closetted homo, and that adds up to a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct according to this story.

I guess in Minnessota, it's illegal for a man to hit on another man in the privacy of his own airport toilet stall. So, there's a task force out there, who's sole purpose is to root out these closet cases that attempt to have consensual sex with each other. Nice use of tax payers money. That undercover cop should be granted a medal and promoted to captain. We're clearing out the bad guys!

Should our taxes go to maintaining the 100's of bridges in the greater Minneappolis area? You know, like the one that collaped just 7 weeks after this Craig incident occured? No. We got queers in our toilets and we want 'em exposed! Gay men using the very same bathrooms where I fart, shit and piss. The same bathrooms that our sons go in... to fart, shit and piss. How arousing.

He got hit with disorderly conduct for sticking his foot under somebody's stall. National exposure for trying to be as discreet as possible in his sexual tendencies; not illegal. Ordering a male prostitute, illegal. No matter how ridiculous it is. Sticking your foot under somebody's stall - uncomfortable for those uninterested in blowing a guy after they shit, good signs of good times for the gentlemen who ARE bathroom sex inclined - deserves an apology at most. Not a misdemeanor.

So where do we draw the line? Where do uncomfortable advances become disorderly conduct? I've been pissing with two open urinals next to me and had the guy come and choose the one right by me. Totally opting out of the traditional "If there's two available, skip a urinal" rule. Is that code for "you want a handjob?" Yes, I'm uncomfortable, but can I make a citizens arrest? Is there some law saying that anytime my heterosexuality is in the least bit challenged I should take legal action? Or can I just say "What the fuck dude?" and finish up my bathroom activities unharmed and still loving boobs.

Maybe they're just worried more people will choose the pink path of queeriness if presented the oportunity so they need policemen to intervene and remind everyone to "Just say Nay to Gay!"

That's bullshit.

Now this guy has a misdemeanor charge for acting totally within his rights to pursue men, of legal age, in a consentual manner, to cheat on his wife with. Is it moral? Not to most. Illegal? I didn't think so but, apparently in Minn. it is.

So consider yourselves warned gays! There's what seems to be a witchhunt after ya'll. Not only are these religious politicians trying to fuck you out of marital and military rights, but apparently they're also just trying to plain old fuck you. So I guess to practice your natural tendencies you're gonna need to do the same thing the rest of us do when we try to score drugs.

"I noticed you across the room? Are you a cop? You have to tell me. I have a lawyer. No? Okay then... You're cute. Can I buy you a drink..?"

Now for some reason the entire Republican Party is worried about how to act on this issue. Do you condemn the man that proclaims "I'm not gay!" for his homosexual actions and come off like a party of bigots? Or do you ignore the actions opening yourselves up for scrutiny from within the party of inaction? What to do?

Nothing. It's none of your fucking business. It's between, Larry Craig, his wife, whatever boy toy he's keeping on the side, and the progessive state of Minnesota that is abusing it's resources to root out the queers.

It's a non-issue. It's a religious attack on a man that's done nothing illegal. This airport is SUPER busy. I've gotta go take a shit.

-CalexicoD

Osama Wages Holy War on Pakistan...

I'm not gonna say how I got the footage, but it happened.

Here's Osama telling Pakistan to wage a Holy War.

Osama and Pakistan

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Share with your friends and let's go viral.

Love ya.

-CalexicoD

I should be more embarrassed by my choices...

When I was in Film School I took the higher ground and focused my efforts on story development and aesthetically pleasing visual methods. I wanted to bring a unique voice/vision to the entertainment world. I wanted to think outside the box and show the world that you can have artistic looking comedy on the big screen and on television at home. I was bored with traditional Sitcoms and HATED Reality TV, and now my hipocrisy is exposed AGAIN by my recent decision to start TiVOing "Beauty and the Geek".

I think this is the TV viewer equivalent of what the priests did to the kids. They deny themselves sex for SO long that they end up totally sexually deviant. Same thing with me. I abstained from regular old Survivor and Extreme Makeover for so long that I end up jumping into the WORST reality TV available. I watched Temptation Island, America's Next Top Model, Project Runway, whatever crap is on HGTV and now Beauty and the Geek. The only way I could move further away from the young artistic hopeful I was in college is if I start watching the shows on MTV - The Hills, Puff Daddy's Franken-band, Cheaters, et. al.. I think that's the Film School grad turned TV Viewer equivalent of what Jeffrey Dahmer used to do.

- TANGENT: Why did we call that guy Jeffrey? That's like a cute little kid name. It makes him sound kind of fun. "What are you gonna do today son?" "Hang out at Jeffrey's house. He's gonna show me the head in his freezer." We shoulda gone by Jeff. No more serial killer euphamisms.

And we're back.

What sold me on this Beauty and the Geek show? The following line:

"The guy that invented Math must have had nothing better to do that day because it is boring" - some dumb 'Beauty'.

Yup. THE GUY that INVENTED Math... that DAY. I wish I could have thought of that. She has an amazing mind. I am too dumb to deny logic and be as free as this woman. I'm a slave to logic. I wish I could put aside how impossibly ridiculous the things are that come out of my mouth and just spew whatever's on my mind. Get rid of that need for some sort of rationality. Rosanne Barr has the ability, Sally Fields too. I need that.

Another completely awesome part about the show? The geeks. They found the weirdest, most socially awkward guys available and I HAVE to believe, dressed them up to look even more ridiculous. I've met some nerdy guys before, not ONE of them wore a bow tie with his polo shirt and filled the pockets with pens and highlighters. That's fake. I watched to show screaming at the TV because of how obviously staged everything was.

I know, I know, every reality show is fake, but I doubt that on Survivor you ever get the feeling that they say "Cut! Can we make him look more weather beaten? Maybe put a beetle on him somewhere?"

They have the job listings under their names when they're talking to the camera, like every show does. One of the Geek's description said that he was a LARPER - Live Action Role Player. He dresses up like a wizard and pretends to fight dragons or something. Okay, that I'll buy. But the Blonde Beauty who had the job description of Professional Betty Boop I'm not gonna believe.

So if you need a show that will make you feel smart and socially adequate while at the same time filling you with shame for feeding the Reality Monster, tune in to the CW Tuesday nights and watch Beauty and the Geek. Ah yes, the CW has yet again blessed us with stimulating programming. I can't wait to see what the show Gossip Girl is all about. Sounds like another shameful pleasure I'll have starting next Weds at 9/8 central.

Subscribe to my bullshit.

-CalexicoD

Hold on while I start this mulch pile...

As some of you know, I've had this problem going on with my feet for a couple years. I went to a couple of different doctors and got on a couple of different medications and changed a bunch of stuff that I eat and blah blah blah. Nothing really worked. The skin problem came and went as it pleased, like an old woman's fart.

Over the course of this skin problem my Mom has been offering "natural" remedies that I scoff at. "Try the mud from the bottom of the Dead Sea"
"No, I think I'll just stick to what the doctor says"
"Have you tried aloe and castor oil?"
"No Mom, and I haven't tried Dr. Quacks Magic Foot Tonic either. I'll just stick to what the doctor says"

Well, I finally caved in and tried an all natural remedy that's supposed to be for joint pains and stuff and as much as I hate to admit it, my foot problem is all but gone. I've always had faith in the American Medical system, taking for granted that they use some sort of scientific method to develop treatments, that I'm generally healthy and anything wrong with me is an easy fix, but for some reason my feet have stumped the medical community. Come on guys! It ain't bird flu!

I never bought into the whole "the indigenous people of the Andes have been rubbing ostrich shit on their toes for centuries to stave off fungus and nightmares, so we know it works better than modern medicine man. Screw Biochemistry, the Shaman's had it right with the root of the Puc Puc bush the whole time man. It's all a conspiracy to..." and that's about as far as any of these hippies get with me before I walk away.

But for some reason, I decided to give this "All Natural Old Fashioned Balm-Liniment!" a try. Florida's Best Balm Liniment which brags "No jokin'! We're Smokin'!" (I'm not sure how this makes sense) and "No bad smell!" - even though it smells like someone mixed Vicks Vapor Rub and Ben Gay and let them sit out in the hot sun for three days. And it worked. And now I wish it hadn't.

"Used and approved by Mom and Granny!" - I just saw that one on the bottle.

For anyone that's interested, like most cracked out wacky products, this isn't available in stores! You can only get it from a woman that doesn't realize it's no longer 1968 at the LA county fair. So if you need something that cures what ails ya and is the best known balm to cure your aches, pains, celulite, firm up your boobs, grow your hair back, get rid of your debt and make you run faster than a colored fella, try APR! Florida's best balm-liniment with ALL NATURAL INGREDIENTS! They picked everything, including the plastic bottle, right off the Balm Liniment Tree! It's the best thing since sliced bread.

So I'm adding this crap to my ongoing list of how I am an unintentional hippie. I drive a Prius because it's cheaper. I recycle because they give you money. I turn my lights off when I'm not in a room because it costs less. I don't shower because I'm lazy. I'm slowly going green, but not because I care about the planet, because I care about money. So I'm not gonna shuffle off to some protest about Global Warming and the Polar Bears, unless there's some money in it.

Subscribe to my blog and discover how much of a hypocrite I've become. I've gotta go join a drum circle.

-CalexicoD

Some Videos I Was In...

Here are some videos I was in.

This one is part of a series that my friend Dan Bialek does for DotComedy.com


This is a series I'm starting with my friend Sean Bennett called The Bathroom Series. It was viewd 148,000 times on MySpace in under a week and we got a TON of bad comments. So the one directly below it was our response to the comments.

Adam's Big Day

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Adam and Sean react to "Military Wake-Up"

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So if you enjoy these vids, let me know and feel free to ADD me on MySpace and tell your friends!

And the Gorilas Take the Lead..!

Hey Kids! According to a news story I almost finished reading, gorilas are headed towards extinction. Finallly!

Think of all the benefits we'll have once those overgrown, space wasting monkeys are gone. I can finally roam free through western Africa without a watermelon size turd hurled my way.

The story said that the cause of extinction in most of these animals (they mentioned more than just gorilas) is human interference with their natural habitat. THEN they went on to say that in any given gorila area, 33-95% of all deaths are caused by the Ebola virus. A virus humans got from monkeys. I don't see how we can put the blame on the man in the yellow hat when it's obvious that it's George's curiosity that's getting these animals in trouble.

All these stories that try to blame humans for the deaths of animals that have been dying for 1000's of years are getting pretty boring to me. I find it pretty ironic that the people that preach about saving the animals, and how human interference is wiping them out, and global warming is killing polar bears, are the same people that laugh when Christians talk about creationism. They tout evolution, "Survival of the Fittest", as scientific fact instead of the circular reasoning/collection of theories that it is. Well wake up hypocrites! Maybe the gorilas just aren't fit to survive. Or maybe they should have turned into humans like you say the other monkeys did.

But it's pretty selfish to artificially save a species that can't take care of themselves. Get the numbers up to a suitable range and let 'em loose back into the environment they couldn't survive in. Good thinking! "Hey child molestor fresh out of prison. Welcome back to society. We're gonna make you a crossing guard!" Good move granola heads.

These people that think they're helping the planet by protecting the gorilas are taking a one sided perspective. They're only thinking about the apes. But what about all the bananas that will be saved once the gorilas are gone? Do you even stop to think about the fruit or are you too much of a fruitaphobe. I've seen the videos. These beasts heartlessly tear into bananas without any sort of remorse for ending the life of a fruit.

Maybe Mother Nature sent us the ebola virus to rid the world of these banana abusing beasts. Maybe that's all part of the greater plan. Every year banana's are destroyed by hurricanes, fires and termites. Do we really need to keep Gorilas in the equation too? Devouring our most delicious source of Potassium? I don't think so. Have a heart you tree huggers, and think about the trees for once.

I realize this sounded pretty right wing. How I put down Evolution and all. Don't get me wrong, Creationism is equally as retarded. Neither one of them are a proven science and neither one of them should be taught to kids. In fact the only thing kids need to learn these days is Harry Potter. With all the outsourcing we do here in the States they're not gonna need to know how to do ANYthing because they won't have any jobs available. But that's for a different blog!

Feel free to subscribe to this if you haven't already.

-CalexicoD

I'm Sorry Bloggy...

Hey Bloggy,

Look, I know I've been a little distant and scatter brained lately with all the videos and hangovers but I promise that we'll be back together making funny written words. I've just gotta sort some stuff out. I'm sure you feel like you've been cast to the wayside for newer, hipper, videos but that's not the case. I don't even LIKE these videos. They just come at me all like "Hey, I'm an easy way to get you exposure!" and that's all that they are. I'm not connected to these videos the way I've been connected to you Blog. You've been here since my first log-in and don't think I've forgotten.

Those videos are solely to help my career. I know that other people are all into their bells and whistles like pause buttons and volume control, but I promise you blog, it's only for exposure. I'd like to keep you out of the limelight. I'm trying to keep what we have special. I don't want to turn Brangelina or Bennifer. I don't want us to be Bladam.

You've always been there for me. Remember Barrack O'Clinton? Remember Steroids in Wrestling? That was all me and you baby. Those are what I look back and chuckle. Those words don't need Flash Player 9 and a special player. Just HTML and love.

So I promise you Bloggy. You're still near and dear to my heart and I apologize if I've come of as neglectful, but like I said, we're gonna have some rough times. So just hang in there with me because I know pretty soon I'm gonna need you to be there for me when I read a ridiculous news story or hear a funny song. You think VIDEOS can relay the genius? Videos can't even italicize.

Smooches.

-CalexicoD

PS: Here's the latest video I did. It was in response to a bunch of shitty comments I got on another one.

Enjoy!

Adam and Sean react to "Military Wake-Up"

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find more vids on at www.myspace.com/adamhammercomedy

Everything Smells Funny...

I haven't showered yet today and my apartment has been like an oven the past couple of days. People have died from the heat wave, which happens every year, and yet every year people are surprised by the deaths. The majority of them are old. I know they're special but seriously, when you're 87 years old, I think heat counts as natural causes. They were around BEFORE air conditioning and they lasted a long time. Let them go.

My car smells horrible. I don't know how to explain it. Imagine an animal made out of cat shit that died in a microwave and was left out on a porch in Louisiana. I don't know where it came from, or when it started but when I run my air, my car smells like death.

I made a new video. I'm planning on starting a web series for you guys to check out once a week/month/when I get to it. I've got my first cut of my first episode (which needs some work) that you can check out here. Share it with your friends. Along with my other vids. Let's go viral. I want to be the next Chocolate Rain.

Now subscribe to me.

-CalexicoD

Summer's over kiddies...

Ah the joys of Labor Day! A day to kick back and have fun with your friends, making videos, cracking jokes, drinking beer. In other words, my daily routine. No holiday necessary...

Labor Day has passed fans of Me, so put away those white clothes, dust off those earthy Fall tones and enjoy this video!

Watch it. Love it. Share it (by clicking this link and copying URL).

Ciao!

Adam's Big Day

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-CalexicoD

A New Dem Has Entered The Race...

Recent news from the Democratic Party has announced an new addition to the race to the presidency. Barrack O'Clinton will be making a stand in an effort to gain the democratic nod. A staunch liberal, O'Clinton's views on issues like Iraq and abortion fall in line with most democrats, but it's his controversial plan to pull troops from Iraq to occupy England that has some critics scratching their heads. In a statement made Friday morning from his home in the Mystical Forest, O'Clinton mentioned that "Those damn Brits have been controlling the Irish for centuries and if that ain't terrorism, I don't know what is."

According to his campaign manager, O'Clinton already has a substantial lead above his opponents in campaign funding due to the never ending supply of rainbows. He is also drawing support from General Mills, Harrah's Gaming and Guinness. He plans to use his own gold to put in to place Universal Health Care and to eliminate the trillion dollar deficit.

O'Clinton's bid for the presidency includes making March 17th and 18th federal holidays. The already popular St. Patrick's Day on the 17th will be followed by Recuperation Day on the 18th in an effort to make March 19th one of the most productive days during the work year.

His plan to ratify our immigration policies are touted as both radical and unbelievable. He hopes to pass the Dragon Bill which would put a dragon every 100 yards along the Mexican border to keep illegal aliens from crossing by foot. A daring move drawing criticism from his own party but garnering respect from many in the Republican party.

Supporters of O'Clinton admire his grace and jigging ability, however critics are touting him as "not Irish enough" saying he only appeals to the Irish CHILDREN and not the adults that can actually vote for him. He's also got lack of experience posing a threat to his campaign drawing his only experience as Keeper of The North Forest, some say he is underqualified. His popular flub on the campaign trail saying "have you seen the cost of buckle shoes and green bowler caps these days?" during a meeting with a group in Iowa drew some sneers and looks of confusion from his audience at O'Mally's pub. But he recovered gracefully saying "I hope that one day we ALL have the means to purchase buckle shoes and green bowler caps which is what my tax reform should put us one step closer to" and then he dissapeared.

This run for presidency has seen some interesting characters with the possibility of our first Black President, first Woman President, and now quite possibly our first Leprechaun President. Here's what the public is saying about O'Clinton:

"I think he's cute." - Karen Williams - Sales Rep - Cincinatti, OH

"I like his views on protecting the right for a woman to choose, but I'm not sure he's Irish enough for me." - Shamus O'Flannigan - Local Drunk - Boston, MA

"Who?" - Kenneth Meyers - Salem, OR

Well with the primaries just over the horizon, Barrack O'Clinton really exemplifies the choices we have in this election and hopes to cross communities to gain support from not only the drunken Irish Catholics but also the drunken hispanics, the drunken Italians and the South and all the fabulous drunks in Ohio, the state that has the potential to turn an election.

-CalexicoD

If I Can't Trust Professional Wrestling, Then Who CAN I Trust..?

The recent news released today exposing the use of steroids in our most respected sport, Professional Wrestling, was like a well choreographed punch in my gut. It was like a properly timed and executed suplex to my heart. I was both shocked and appalled, and had to set down my Coors Light and lay down on my bean-bag to absorb this information.

Steroids in Professional Wrestling? How could they do this? Baseball, football, I understand. But WRESTLING? They've totally cheapened the integrity of the sport. A sport (the only REAL sport in my mind) that prides itself on honesty, has been dealt a low blow the ref just happened to miss, like steroids.

I was initially shocked at the fact that any one of these gracefully lubricated men had done any sort physique enhancing drug. When I look at these soldiers of the ring, I don't even see athletes, I see replicas of God himself. These perfect Adonnises performing feats above and beyond any man. I couldn't believe that a single one of them, not Stone Cold Steve Austin, not The Rock, not The Undertaker, or anyone of these perfectly named Titans could even belittle themselves enough to partake in something that petty "athletes" do. This sport (and I only call it a sport for lack of a better word. Supersport or possibly Sport of the Gods would pay this past time the respect it deserves) was, in my eyes, the last beacon of chastity in today's world.

I don't even know what to think next time I watch a closeline-rope bounce-double kick combo move. Is this man being assisted by drugs? And what if the body slam record is broken? Should it count? Should there be an asterisk?

I like to think that in a sport as real and unbiased as this one that the man who holds the oversized gold belt above his head after winning a match using a folding chair against his opponent will do this with pride knowing that he did it on his own, without the shame of steroids on his conscience.

-CalexicoD

Scattered Lies With a Chance of Propoganda...

I'm pretty pissed off right now.

I've spent all day watching Fox Weather and it's TOTALLY biased towards the right wing. I mean, it's SOOO obvious. They say things like "In Los Angeles, it's gonna be about 85 degrees with 10% humidity, horrible day to be a Republican. But in Georgia, it's about 95 degrees and 300% humidity. Great Republican weather!" That's bullshit man. You guys are supposed to report the weather, not give me "the other side" of the weather. "Well everything looks great in Baghdad today! That ain't cool brutha. Billions of people are dying there by the minute. Tim Robbins said so bro.



They don't even MENTION global warming and that's responsible for like 98% of all Sea Otter deaths!

It's pretty depressing too. They rename the hurricanes like "Not since Hurricane John F. Kennedy has New Orleans been touted with this much rain. Those democrat hurricanes, always hurting the people they think they're trying to help." They don't even call storms "storms" they call them Clintons. "Heavy flooding in Iowa thanks to a stong Clinton that came through dumping 36" of rain in 24 hours. It also dumped false promises and an insurmountable amount of double talk.

Come on Fox Weather! Does EVERY state on your map have to have a different picture of Reagan on it? It's bullshit man. They're not even trying to hide it.

And their death tolls are pretty rude too. "25 people have died from this flood, and unfortunately 7 of them were Republican. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the families of these 7 republicans."

Sometimes they don't even report weather. They say things like "sin will rain today on every abortion clinic in Seattle. Also, be careful of a massive front of Sinfulness in San Francisco, West Hollywood and whatever part of New York the fags live in."

I can't believe they call this weather reporting. Thank God I have The Weather Channel, CNN, Local News, The Newspaper, Internet Newssites, Misinformed Friends, and Michael Moore's Weather Service or I'd never know "the truth".

-CalexicoD

A Couple of Thoughts With Some Facts About Vegas...

I hate capitalism but I don't know anything about socialism or communism because I refuse to buy a book about them. That's how devoted I am to hating capitalism.

Last night I didn't drink for the first time in weeks (possibly months) and it wasn't because of any health concerns or because I've hit bottom it's because I'm out of money. And by out of money I mean Visa stopped giving it to me.

I'm about $6000 in debt with no way to pay it and really nothing on the horizon. I'm either at the exact point in my career where someday I'll either be telling an interviewer "I thought all was lost but I pushed ahead because I wouldn't let myself down" OR someday I'll be telling my kid "Stay in school. Did I ever tell you I used to be a comedian..?" It can go either way.

I just got back from Las Vegas. Here are some things I learned in my Frommer's travel guide:

- Las Vegas is home to the largest number of retired tight rope walkers in the contiguous US. Second only to Fairbanks, AL. If you get tired of all the glitz and glamour, stop into any tourist information center and pick up a map of all their homes. It makes for a much more well rounded Vegas experience.

- Las Vegas is the largest importer of both sugar cane and grape seed oil west of the Mississippi. The casino chip makers use these ingredients to form the glistening coat on the chips. If you ever get hungry but can't pull yourself away from the table, you can just suck on your chips for a sugary boost, and the nutrients of the grape seed oil.

- Henderson, NV - a suburb of Las Vegas - has more dust per square inch than the Sahara and Death Valley combined.

- The Hudson dam - just a few hours by car, or 1 day by mule - produces all the electricity in the world.

- The Blue Man group in Las Vegas, NV eat a diet consisting of hard boiled eggs, arugula, and a crushed boysenberry/clorox combo to maintain their blue hue. They also perform nightly at the Luxor and at an AM/PM just off the strip. The AM/PM show is an improvised version of their stage show using items found in the convenience store.

- Las Vegas is a great source of Chlamydia. Twice as much as an orange.

- Underneath the strip is a 2/3's scale, EXACT working replica, of the original Disneyland. Complete with E tickets and segregation policies.

- Need something to do? Try kitten tumbling. Ask your concierge, or any person handing out escort flyers, for details.

- Don't want to stand out in Vegas? Keep in mind that shorts are for tourists. As well as tank tops and lack of jackets and beanie caps. Blend in for cheaper prices!

- The best place to see your favorite celebrities in Las Vegas is on your television! Similar to Los Angeles.

- The streets in America are paved with gold, but in Las Vegas they're paved with tar and asphalt. Much more cost effective. They use the savings to lower the prices on the steak and eggs.

- Your gambling dollars are put to work building schools, roads, parks and libraries in Las Vegas. Same goes to your prostitution money. So if you care about education, you'll use a proper escort, instead of that tranny you've been eyeing all night. Yup. That's a man. Sorry to burst your bubble.

- A mustache in Vegas is just as good as a wallet full of cash.

- Every person working in Vegas is a magician. Go ahead and test it. You can lay a stack of money on the table and any dealer can make it disappear!

- Vegas smells just like coconuts because of the world's largest Coconut Air Freshener Factory located inside room 1218 at the Flamingo.

- Paris Hilton owns Vegas.

- So does Wayne Newton, but he's a silent partner.

- Vegas has the lowest crime rate in the world due to their negligent police force.

- There are bands that play lounges in Vegas that think they've "made it". Don't correct them or they'll attack you. And don't feed them or they'll talk about their careers.

So many fun facts about Las Vegas!

-CalexicoD

Thanks for wasting my time Music Television...

MTV just called me and hung up. No message, nothing. REAL FUCKING MATURE MTV!!! What the hell??? You guys starting up a new show called "Hang Ups" or some shit?

"We got 2 hot guys and 2 hot girls and they see how many people they can hang up on in 30min while we watch from a van! It's called Hang Ups and our contestants don't have any hang ups about hanging up!"

Actually, that show sounds better than most of their programming. Maybe I'll pitch it to them.

Think of it like the Jerky Boys meets Punk'd, but there's no script! We're going for the 13-14 year old lonely boy demographic. The ones that still crank call because they haven't discovered masturbation yet.

-CalexicoD

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, in a land full of mysticism and wonderment, where the elves traded cotton candy and jelly beans for laughter, where the dragons sang songs of glee, and every girl was a princess, there lived a Street Sweeper (yup, that's right. Even in this song-and-candy-filled utopia, somebody needs to take out the trash. Think of Burning Man - Day 8).

He worked hard as a street sweeper. Sweeping all the cobblestone paths made of jelly beans and juju-bees (which is a huge pain in the ass the day after a good rain. It's all sticky and filled with those paper Cotton Candy cones. "But why would it rain in this paradise?" you ask. If it didn't rain, where would all the rainbows come from? Come on people, light refraction works in Lands of Wonderment too. Get with it.). Every day he did his best to keep the streets clean, dreaming one day of being the greatest street sweeper in the world!

But hard times fell on our street sweeper. See, he wasn't the only street sweeper in town. In fact, he lived in the Western part of Imagination Island that had more street sweepers than any other part of the Island, except for a part on the completely opposite side. So no matter how diligantly he swept, no matter how much care and effort the street sweeper put into his work, some other street sweeper that was better looking, or maybe had a street sweep commerical, or a wacky broom, or played a Mandolin while he swept or SOMETHING, would get most of the street sweeping work.

And yet he pressed on.

He was constantly told tales of fortune by the local elves and princesses (not so much the dragons though, they're mostly into Prop street sweeping. Different crowd) that one day he'd be sweeping the biggest most goldenest streets in the world! People would line up to watch him sweep away! The princesses would bow to him for his street sweeping capabilities, even a few of the Dragons (you can't really stereotype ALL dragons as being Prop fans. Some of them have taste) would sing his praises in song. Elves would shower him with cotton candy and laughter. Younger street sweepers would mimic his street sweeping grace.

But these were just tales. None of the Street Sweeping Supervisors seemed to care that the townsfolk applauded his skills. And cotton candy doesn't pay the bills. So the street sweeper decided to hang up his broom. "Fuck it", he declared. And now our street sweeper is in the process of begrudgingly filling out Substitute Teacher applications in order to pay that bitch of a princess her rent. He discovered Mead made from the honey of stingerless bees and drinks himself to sleep every night. It's better than the tears.

Every once in a while he'll look up at his broom, hanging on the wall and wonder "Did I give up too soon?" No kid. You never had a chance.

-CalexicoD

Finally, some positive notes about mustaches...

Every time a can of Coors pops open, an angel gets his mustache.

Mustaches are a great way to say "I'm at the party, and I brought some date rape drugs!"

If I had a mustache, I think I'd name it Dissappointment. After General Custer.

Sick of mustaches? Try a goatee! It's a great way to stand out at the Klan rally.

A goatee is like a mustache for your chin. It's like your saying "Hey, there's no reason why my chin can't be classless too"

A mustache is just a unibrow for your nose.

Think of it like this, if you didn't have a mustache, what would you stroke after you just punched your wife? Armpit hair? Too likely to tickle.

A mustache is a nice suprise in the truck stop glory hole. Tee hee! You have a naughty secret mustoiched glory boy!

Growing a mustache is the facial equivalent of painting your walls with dog shit!

A mustache is a great way to hide cold sores! Take the note glory boy!

I always heard that chicks dug mustaches but I never believed it. Turns out I was right!

Hey mustache man! Thanks for the beer! I didn't know you could Natural Light with food stamps!

What's the difference between a mustache and a MAN with a mustache? A mustache would never rape his own daughter!

A mustache is a sign of strength. But it's just a sign, the mustache man doesn't even have enough strength to finish shaving.

Ooops! What happened Mustache Man? Did your gold medallion get stuck in your chest hair or did you eat so many pork rinds that your tummy's rubbing on your oversized belt buckle?

Einstein had a mustache, but then again, so did Hitler!

There's so much to be said about mustaches, but so little reason to say any of it.

-CalexicoD

Peace, Love and Redemption Values...

Today I drove my Prius to the recycling center. I had to step back and take a look at myself. I didn't know it before, but I guess I'm a douchebag. I'm kind of afraid of the fallout these "Green" activities will produce.

- I guess now I'll have to take part in some sort of women's rights protests.

- I'll have to perpetually blame Bush's position in office on "stolen elections"

- Al Gore will move from my List of the Despised onto my National Treasure and Personal Heroes list. Consequently "An Incovenient Truth" will change from a laffable propoganda film into a brilliant scientific study.

- Trees around me will start recieving their fair share of hugs

- I'll wear hemp

- I'll constantly talk about global warming, an issue I don't personally understand, but that doesn't matter because I have an amazing ability to misconstrue facts and repeat my misinterpretations as truth

- The dreds are growing in

- Showers are falling down the priority chain.

- I'm going to start paying twice as much for "Organic" stickers on my fruit.

- Right after this blog, I'm gonna look into canvas tote bags I can take to the grocery store

- I'll start buying into conspiracy theories

- I'll vote for things that will increase my taxes with the intention of helping people I've never met and nothing will change but what I owe

- I'll assume money grows on trees but then protest against the people who use trees to make money

- I'm going to start sympathizing with terrorists

- I'm getting a Michael Moore in 2012 bumper sticker

- I'll say things like "Save Darfur!" when I can't even find Darfur on a map

-Yoga and granola will both be daily requirements. Also, for the granola, I'll insist that it's a "natural" food, even though it's man made.

All in all, I guess I'm gonna be pretty stupid. I just recycled for the money and took the Prius to save money. I had to litter some styrofoam and burn a tire just to keep myself balanced.

Some news jokes:

Karl Rove announced his resignation this week. Yes that's right, the mastermind behind "Stay the Course" has decided to "Cut and Run"

Tacoma WA - A man was accused of trying to have sex with his goat. He argued that he was only trying to milk the goat. Ummm... I'm pretty sure we call that a reach around.

In the middle of an obvious mid-life crisis, former Van Halen front-man, David Lee Roth, has decided to rejoin his band mates in a pathetic attempt to come off as anything but a joke.
o Being the responsible 50 somethings the rockers are today, the drugs and booze they once had backstage have been replaced with Rogaine and Dulcolax.
o Although teacher is still hot, it’s a different kind of heat these days. Hot Flashes


The world’s oldest woman, Yone Minagawa, died this week at 114 years old.
o At time of death she went from the world’s oldest living woman, to the world’s NEWEST dead woman. Oh Yone, always setting records! (pic above is not Yone, but she is my woman on the side. BooYah!)

Steve McQueen's restored Ferrari is expected to fetch upwards of $1 million. When I get famous, my restored Prius is expected to fetch upwards of $1 thousand.

This is NOT a joke -

Those lost miners are not coming home. Until you have something other than "Nothing's Changed" to report, give me better news stories. Hold off on the mine and let me know why that bridge collapsed. I do a lot more driving than mining, as I'm sure MOST people do, so let's try to wrap up the Bridge Story instead of spinning our wheels on the mine thing.

-CalexicoD

But I don't WANT to read...

That soon to be classic debate "Read vs. Watch the News" still rages on today. With the ever increasing capabilities and frustrations of the internet, news outlets have tapped into the medium to bring us both written and broadcast versions of the news. This video bastardization of our information has even tainted America's BEST source for news - The Onion.

I was parusing the Space, looking for really awesome pimped out pages and trying to meet OTHER people that like Plain White T's, when I stumbled across The Onion's MySpace page. It's full of VIDEOS!

I thought they were the news source I could trust! But NOOOO. They've lowered themselves to the level of CNN or FOX NEWS, limiting their humor to the constraints of video wedged tightly between the growing number of advertisements. The negative effects are overwhelming.

I found myself expelling 15% less laughs per story. Even my rate of chuckling significantly decreased. My joke retention dropped an AMAZING 50%. The social poignancy was there but if I missed a joke, I had to wait for the next one. I couldn't just stop and reread. Or if I ENJOYED a joke, I couldn't laugh out loud for too long for fear of missing the next moment of brilliance. I missed more than half of the scrolling ticker across the bottom of the page and for anyone who appreciates The Onion from a journalistic stand point, they know that the best parts of their reporting are the subtleties scattered about the page. THAT'S WHAT I MISSED!! I had to watch it twice to read the ticker. That's 50% LESS productivity. The whole experience was nerve wracking.

I stand proudly by reading the paper. It used to be that I'd have to wait until Thurs when the new issue came out to read everything it had to offer. I'd laugh. I'd chortle. I'd grimace or I'd disapprove. But each week I'd be content. NOW with the internet, the page updates every day. They don't update the entire page though! Just add a story or two. If I don't like that day's addition, I walk away UNcontent. That's not the Onion experience I've grown to love. That's the experience I've grown to accept. Much like my slow, cancerous death.

And this most recent addition to the site, VIDEO??? This has made it much, much worse. It attracts the slow minded simpletons that can't muscle their way through 10minutes of brilliantly scripted hilarity. They need their jokes quick, no matter HOW much potential is wasted or how hilarity doesn't make the final cut. It makes me sick.

"But why can't you just read around the video? Just accept that maybe some change is positive?"

Just read around something that will probably make me laugh at least once? Right. You might as well invite a drunken homeless man over and tell him not to touch the beer in the fridge while you fetch the de-lousing powder before he sits on your couch. Tell the fat man that one plate of food is enough at the buffet, even if it says All You Can Eat. Yeah. I hate that the temptation is there, and I hate myself for acting on it.

I understand that there are things in life that I have to accept. I know that someday I will be rich. I just have to accept it. I know that my wife will not have a 3 some with me involved, but probably will if we ever split up just to spite me. Fine. I accept those things as facts of life. But what I will not sit idly by, ACCEPTING, is the dilution of my comedy news source. I post this blog as an afront to the Director of Internet Content (or whoever runs the MySpace) over at the onion and warn him to heed the threatening tone.

I am not okay with this. If I'm gonna be subject to this blatant disrespect, I'm gonna have to find MY satire in the New Yorker. Although their pretentious articles and iconoclastic attitude are in now way, shape, or form as brilliantly crafted as those pretentious articles at the Onion, they are pure. Written word. Slightly gay.

So if you want your wit spoonfed in a simple video so you can get back to looking up the latest Lohan fiasco, go watch the Onion videos. If you appreciate humor that diligantly crafted like a fine wine, then read the Onion. But if you don't like humor at all, go eat an onion. You're very weird.

Good day.

-CalexicoD